December 25, 2009


(courtesy of the good folks at Complex, click the heads!)


Early Mid- life Crisis

December 22, 2009

What do I do for the rest of my life????????

happy christmas eve.


I saw this picture on Jessica Hart’s blog today and for once this cliche actually meant something to me. Maybe it was also the fact that I watched Dead Poet’s Society today and got “Carpe Diem” drilled into my head, but I realized the obvious– this is the only life I will ever have. Forget that life after death BS because even if that were true, it’s not like I would remember this particular life. I’ve recently forgotten this truth and have been holding back a whole lot. This new environment I’ve been in has been unsettling to me for a while now, and I’ve been extremely cautious and maybe even a little uncomfortable at times. For the first time in years, I was trapped and inhibited by the fear of judgment again. And today, for the first time in a while now, I completely let go and laughed my head off with people I can see myself caring about. I completely forgot why I felt so uncomfortable in the first place. Perhaps it was because I had just found the people I absolutely adore and had to move right when I settled.

On a side note, why the hell do I keep swearing that I will never go to a club again but end up going to one every other weekend or so? No more for the rest of the year? Haha, I think I can manage that.

You know, I started to write that post (above) on the 8th of December and I decided to finish it the next day so I could catch some sleep. My friend, Justin Ritchie, who I’ve known since 8th grade goes to college with me. The morning after writing that post, I woke up to his phone call which I surprisingly picked up. He asked me out to lunch. I, of course, moseyed around and got ready at the slowest pace possible, disregarding his seemingly upset voice on the phone. Then a little facebook IM popped up from the most unexpected person. I used to go to high school with this guy and he is good friends with Justin. All he wrote was “:(“. So being the oblivious person that I am, I reciprocated the “:(” and in return got a “:\”. I was extremely annoyed and trying to lighten the mood, I sent back a  “:)” and he responded with a “you don’t know?” Whenever I’m about to find out something, I get scared. He told me, via lovely FB chat, that Justin’s father had gotten hit by a bus and passed away the night before. I immediately ran out the door.

This man, Rob Ritchie, for the lack of better words, was unreal. I still remember the night where he took us to my first concert and how I belted “May it Be” by Enya as a joke on the way home. I still remember the countless nights that I slept over his house (with Justin of course). We all developed a routine where I would come back from boarding school, get picked up by them, and then spend an hour in the local movie store picking out the perfect movies for the night and yet another hour buying out the entire grocery store. Then we’d go back to their house, only to be greeted by the most friendly and beautiful dog ever (mind you that I’m scared of big dogs) and then we’d cook and I’d eat everything in the house, as usual. I remember being impressed by his extensive music collection and becoming accustomed to the uncomfortable, nauseous feeling I’d get from his sarcasm that I didn’t understand but felt like I had to laugh at. I remember marveling at his aspiration to own an inn in Jamaica and just enjoy life once Justin moved off to college. However short-lived, he was living his dream, and that I respect and can only hope to one day achieve.

The scary part is, even after all this time, it still hasn’t hit me. I haven’t grasped the fact that he’s gone.  I even caught myself today thinking about going down to his inn this spring break. When will it hit me? Will it ever hit me? I haven’t let myself think about it a lot and I’m not sure I ever will. In my mind, he’s never going to change. He’s going to forever stay the way I remember him the last time I saw him– perfectly happy, driving his jeep with his sunglasses on.

More recently, I’ve been fighting off this weird feeling of emptiness. I really didn’t want to use the word “emptiness” but I really don’t know how else to express it. You know what, I’m not even going to go into it, but I just feel like there’s something very off with my life right now and I’m afraid to admit that it’s my school because I’m afraid that I may be stuck there for the next three and a half years.

My friend Nick Santangelo told me this weekend that I’m one of the happiest people he knows and it really surprised me. Do I really seem happy all the time to people? If that’s the case, I do not mind. I love having positive energy around and if I contribute to that, sick! [We went sledding this weekend and I do have a picture from that excursion which I will upload much later.]

I want to go back to Australia. So beautiful. Maybe I’ll do that for study abroad if that option exists in some school.

I visited MA this past week and I fell in love all over again.

Congrats to the MA boy’s basketball champs!!

Sorry for the lack of posts, it’s been hectic. Also, apologies for this extremely eclectic post.

Merry [very early] Christmas!

I’ll be in Florida being a kid again. 😀

Oh, and I would like to know what you dears wanted for Christmas this year, so leave it in a comment or something. This year, I asked for absolutely nothing and that’s what I got. I was never into receiving gifts as much as I was into giving them… especially since I never know what I actually want when it comes time to make that wishlist. Also, Matthew is right. Christmas spirit is nonexistent this year. 😦


Well actually, just until mid January or something like that. Tra here, and I got home Friday and have been snowed in for the past two days, and instead of doing my Studies in Poetry take home final I’m here posting on this sexilicious blog. Why the hell would this woman give us a take home final anyway? Stupid a-hole. As a matter of fact, in the holiday spirit of sharing, I’m gonna show you guys what we have to turn in 400 words on by 9am tomorrow:

Once I knew, then I forgot.  It was as if I had fallen asleep in a field only to discover at waking that a grove of trees had grown up around me.

“Doubt nothing, believe everything,” was my friend’s idea of metaphysics, although his brother ran away with his wife.  He still bought her a rose every day, sat in the empty house for the next twenty years talking to her about the weather.

I was already dozing off in the shade, dreaming that the rustling trees were my many selves explaining themselves all at the same time so that I could not make out a single word.  My life was a beautiful mystery on the verge of understanding, always on the verge!  Think of it!

My friend’s empty house with every one of its windows lit.  The dark trees multiplying all around it.

…The fuck is that??

Anyway, this snowstorm has provided me some quality chill/family time, and if you are a veteran Sutra reader you know how I am about my family. My brother and niece stayed over for the past two nights and I got to have some quality sitdown time with my big bro, who is one of the smartest and funniest people walking the planet Earth. We talked about everything from music (“Bobby Brown is a musical genius”) to politics (“The CEO of Mastercard’s kids go to school with Malia and Sasha! They’re all the same damn people!”) to relationships (“I tell women ‘I cook, I clean, I don’t need you to do anything but be peaceful and keep your legs closed outside my presence.’ We break up shortly after that, it proves too much for them to handle.”) to parenting (“These newfangled parents try to be friends with their kids. I let my daughter know ‘I had friends before I had you.'”) and much more, and as you could see he had a comment about everything. We spent hours laughing at the insane things our father has said, and ordered pizza at midnight like true fat-asses.

I hope to see the outside world tomorrow. I stepped out for about three minutes today telling myself I was gonna shovel the snow off the steps, but my Dad was using the shovel and that was all the excuse I needed to go back to watching “Grease.” This LA based skate brand called Diamond Supply Co. just opened a pop-up shop in Manhattan so I may venture there tomorrow and try to grab stuff before it all sells out. And I should probably do some Christmas shopping for other people, seeing as how the big day is less than a week away. What the fuck is a “Christmas Spirit” nowadays? I barely even noticed that Santa is gearing up for the trip around the world as I type this.

My niece said she wanted Chinko Dolls or Chinkoo Dolls or something like that, they are apparently dolls that can be taken apart and reassembled to create brand new dolls. It was a sad thought, as I listened to her tell me about Zhu Zhu Pets and the Wizards of Waverly Place and struggled to figure out what language she was speaking, that I am pretty much completely removed from social childhood. None of the programs I watched advertised these things. I literally had no idea what the brand new craze was amongst kids today. Hell, I still have a “Pokemon: The First Movie” poster on my wall. I’m a friggin’ dinosaur.

I think I may buy myself some toys this Christmas, and just play with them. Get a little toychest and keep it in my dorm room. Some action figures, some race-cars, maybe a Transformer or two. Maybe I’ll finally get one of those huge complicated Hot Wheels race tracks with loops and jumps and stuff. I always wanted one of those, but Santa never brought one. Or maybe a Big Wheel. Yeah, a Big Wheel. With huge rims and fully functional head and taillights, and a radio! You don’t need a license for those, right?


Make Me Put My Hands…

December 17, 2009

…In the ayer, a-ayer, ayer, a-ayer.

I know it’s been years. I’m actually joined right now by one of our loyal readers, ebarts91 ebarts (ebarts91 is super lame). The semester is coming to a close in two days, my first semester of my first year in college. And I am friggin exhausted. I don’t think I worked very hard this semester, but I contributed it to a disturbing revelation that was presented to me by a classmate here:

“C’s get degrees.”

This is a horrifying and immensely beautiful thought, and is contingent on not planning on applying to graduate school/trying to transfer. But if you do find yourself certain that the next 4 years of your formal education are your last, then it does in fact hold true. One could do the bare minimum required to pass for the next 4 years, and still get that slip of paper that validates 16 years of education and tells the world that he or she has intellectual, and thus human, worth.

This thought really quaked me because, for the past several years, I’ve constantly had something to prove to other people. But here, and pretty much for the rest of my life, I only have something to prove to myself. There won’t be any admissions boards scrutinizing whether I was good enough at this or did enough of that, instead there will be self defined goals and achievements that will show how much I’ve done. If I’m happy making 12 bucks and hour, I’m successful. If I’m happy living in a cardboard box, I’ve succeeded. If I’m happy getting all C’s, I’m living the life.

I’ve found that some people can’t live with this added pressure, this shocking understanding that their victories aren’t handed to them by others, but created and achieved by themselves, for themselves. So they go on chasing the goals, the jobs, the A’s. And it’s fantastic, those people go on to do amazing things. In a lot of ways I’m one of those people, I’d really like to be more of that person. But I’ve also realized that I don’t have to be. And that feels pretty good.

What’s interesting is, I feel pretty guilty every time I have that thought, and it makes me want to work even harder, and chase even more distant and external (and largely superficial goals). I find myself actually allowing shadows of anxiety to creep up on me as I think about how I’m “gonna become rich”. I was recently cruising through the neighborhood near my school with some friends and we started looking at the mansions that pepper the wooded areas and gated off roads nearby I felt a sense of desire so overwhelming I almost teared up in the backseat of the car (naturally I didn’t cuz I’m a bro). I wanted to drive into their driveways and park and just sit, pretending I lived there. I wanted to catch a glimpse of the inhabitants through their Christmas-lit windows, to see them setting a dinner table or watching TV, to have the smallest intangible connection to them, just so I could feel like I was a part of a world where a house that beautiful was normal. I just thought to myself, Those people must be so happy. I haven’t stopped thinking about those houses, and I’m not entirely sure why.

I guess I just wanna be successful (no Jimmy quote intended). What’s bugging me out is that now that I don’t have much to prove to anyone else, why am I kinda-sorta content in proving so little to myself? You would think I should be my toughest critic. I’m in this weird self-pitying/self-loathing internal battle where I persecute myself for failing, and then pacify myself for having tried. And I’m pretty sure that won’t end up well, haha.

On a brighter note, I go on break Friday, and I hope to get obliterated every chance I get for the next… month or so. Like, every day. I guess now I have something to prove to myself.

Semi-permanent Blemishes

December 3, 2009

So I wrote a post that I ended up deleting just now because it was just me freaking out about stress and being mean about my floormates. Matthew was talking about posting about his flaws and I realized that being extremely judgmental is one of mine. Sometimes I get carried away and say some overly cruel things that I don’t mean to that extreme.

I am also:

1) overly picky when it comes to personal choices because I am too attentive to minute details that don’t matter.

2) a pushover when it comes to a good friend or a significant other’s preferences… I just usually don’t care though.

3) too creeped out by boys… sometimes even if they’re cute!

4) terrible at talking about my feelings.

5) a quitter when I realize that my plans just won’t work out.

6) in love with listening to “bad” music when I’m bored… which is always.

7) occasionally selfish, but not really, but sometimes? I’m not too sure about this one haha.

8 ) a compulsive spender.

9) always curious about what other people think of me, but not in that insecure, freaking out way… just curious.

10) never comfortable in one place for too long. I’m always antsy, always needing to leave or change something in my life. I don’t love the process of getting close to people, but when I get there, it’s wonderful.

11) very annoyed when people are late, but am always late myself. Oops!

12) bad tempered when I go through extensive planning (I love to plan) and then it doesn’t work out because of people obstacles and when people frustrate me. Actually, I think this is only geared towards my parents. I can’t even seriously yell at my sisters haha.

12) an obsessive list maker.

13) a huge procrastinator. I write SuTra posts when I really need to be doing something else… like right now.

“I asked my girlfriend if she’d seen you round before
She mumbled something while we got down on the floor baby
We might’ve fucked not really sure, don’t quite recall
But something tells me that I’ve seen him, yeah
That boy is a monster”

Hahahaha I love that. Gaga said it’s about big dick.

Two more weeks and then I’m free for a little while! I can’t wait.

Whateva, whateva.Su